02/03/2007

Well, things have changed just a little bit. They had to go back up on Emery's MAP and pressure again, and his chest x-ray has only showed slight improvement since the dose of surfactant. His blood gases are good, within normal range for him, and his O2 requirements are around 50%, which is a little better. I'm hoping the antiobiotics do the trick. The thing is, Emery isn't acting sick really. He's 'eating' like a pro! They got him on his tummy today and he slept soundly and peacefully, only desatting a little bit. I guess I'm just worried. I asked the doctor today if his lungs would improve or if they were just plain giving out on him. He's hoping Emery will get better. I asked about weaning him from the vent, and he said that in order to even consider getting Emery on the conventional ventilator and then to CPAP, Emery would have to be sitting at a MAP of 13 (it is currently at 18) and he's never ever made it there. The truth is, Emery has shown no improvement lung wise. If anything, his lungs are worse. It's a good day in the NICU for the other babies, though, and as great as it is and I rejoice with the other parents, I'm horridly jealous. The baby who had the PDA ligated the same day Emery was supposed to have his done has now moved up to bay 2. The baby across the hall who has been there as long as Emery and was on the ventilator the whole time was put on CPAP today. We've watched all of the babies come and go. Today I watched a baby being extubated and is doing fine. Our Emery just doesn't make progress, though. Someone told Erik the other day that he wasn't surprised that God gave us a child that would need a miracle. I feel obligated to tell you all something good, something hopeful because I want Emery to make it and I want everyone to rejoice. Unfortunately, though, this is one of those 'unforeseen' complications that arose and now it's a waiting game. Sometimes I get angry that no one seems to care as much as I do. Also, I want to explain that when Erik and I have 'bad days' it means that it's not your run-of-the-mill fender-bender, bounced a check, lost your purse, chipped a tooth bad days. When we have bad days we wonder whether or not our baby will live and we have to wait to see if he improves. Then, we have to wonder if they are going to call us and ask us to drop everything because they will switch the vent so we can hold him before he goes. That's a bad day for us. I guess mostly I just don't want to have to explain to people, if the worst happens, why the worst happened. Emery is one of the sicker preemies. I'm not trying to be grandiose. I've read that some people actually try to compare their babies and make their baby out to be the worst. I'd give just about anything to be the one giving another family a look of pity and rejoicing that my baby was doing well. This is the reality. Emery might not make it. I mean, that's a risk for all of the babies here. I think in some way people should understand that, and yet I find myself writing it solely so I don't have to do any explaining later if he doesn't, if that makes any sense. I just don't want to have to explain one hundred times over... why. I've been playing the what-if game today, too. Like, what if he had been in there just one more week. He looks really good today, healthy and robust. He weighs 3 pounds 5 ounces, and it's pretty close to a true weight. If the pneumonia turns around, the next step will be a burst of steroids to help Emery turn the corner a bit and perhaps try to push him to the conventional ventilator. They won't do the steroids while he's on antiobiotics, and I think he's on a 10-day course of antiobiotics so it will be a bit. Now we just wait to see if the next few days bring improvement or if his vent requirements continue to go up. I will post more tomorrow when we see him. Love to all, Sarah, Erik and Emery