01/26/2007

Well, maybe I'm hypersensitive today or something, I don't know, but I just got my hand slapped by the NICU unit clerks. Every time Erik and I come see Emery I go into the consult room and update on the computer there. I see lots of people in there, and there are children's books and things so I just assumed it was okay to go in there. Turns out, it's not. The woman told me I should have never used the one in there and I needed to use the one upstairs. It's so trivial, I know. It's just that I spend every day walking tight as a drum because I don't know if Emery is going to make it or not. It's not so cut and dry as him coming home at his due date. The kid was born at 25-6/7 weeks' gestation. His chances for survival from that were around 60%. The survival rate goes up for micropreemies if they are born in a level III NICU, which he was, so it goes up to about 88%, but his lungs are stiffer than someone of his gestational age and I guess he's considered IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) which means he was smaller than what he should have been so it lowers it a little bit. All in all, there just is no guarantee as far as any of this is concerned. Every time I hear the phone ring I panic, especially if I see the University of Iowa on the caller ID. Sometimes I watch a movie and I forget about what's going on and then a wave of guilt hits me so hard I can hardly breathe, like I shouldn't be enjoying anything while he's here. Every time I eat my stomach clenches and even though I'm starving I want to throw up and I feel guilty for eating. It's a strange, bizarre world that Erik and I are in right now. I cry every day. I'm not used to crying period, let alone every day. So when a nurse tells me it's too much stimulation when I wipe spit of my son's mouth or a clerk scolds me for doing something I never knew I wasn't supposed to be doing, I get upset. It's like I want to scream at the people here. Emery will be 6 weeks old on Monday. We have yet to hold him. Don't they understand that? Anyway, I started getting panicky somewhere around noon that Emery wasn't doing so well. They went back up on his MAP because his PCO2 was 78%... if that sounds like greek to most of you, join the club. I don't know what it means, either, other than Emery's lungs aren't improving, but the neonatal nurse practitioner came to talk to us tonight and told us that, first, the PDA is still closed, which is a good thing, and second that they move at a snails pace in the NICU. I shouldn't worry that he's spent 6 weeks on a ventilator. Dr. R came by and said that his chest x-ray looked good for him and that if I was going to compare how bad my baby was doing with regards to other babies, then I needed to consider too that my baby is doing better than the sick ones. He's somewhere in the middle. I just hope and pray that he can breathe on his own some day. I want him to come home some day. He's had mostly a good day. His feedings are up to 10 mL every 3 hours, and they will probably be moved up tomorrow. Full feeds for him are about 18 mL every 3 hours. I would love to get him there. We've never had the PDA closed for any real length of time to get him fed. They are lowering his blood pressure medication. His blood pressures are doing fine. Thank you for the cards and prayers. Oh, Sara wanted me to mention trivia night... Trivia Night is Saturday, February 17, 2007. It is teams of 8 people, $10 a person. Snacks and pop .50 cents. Doors open at 6 p.m. and trivia starts at 6:30. I think there is a bake sale, too. The youth group kids are doing this for Erik and me. Call Sara Princell at 309-764-**** for questions or for sign up. If I've missed something Sara let me know. I don't have the flier with me right now. We love you all! Sarah, Erik and Emery